Naruto Crack
by HyperMusic12
Summary: If Naruto characters could speak their minds…. Total crack.
1. Chapter 1

If Naruto characters could speak their minds…. Total crack. Deals with straight and yaoi couples, and other absurdities.

* * *

HyperMusic12: As the author of this ridiculousness, I give ye permission to speak your minds about any problems you have with the fanfiction world! Proceed!

"What? Really?" Naruto asked, looking around. "You're not the first to do this, you know."

HyperMusic12: I know, shadup!

"Anyway, we only have Sai, Hinata, Yamato-Taichou, Iruka-Sensei, and Kaka-Sensei here. Where is everyone?"

HyperMusic12: I'm sure they'll show up.

"Why are you called HyperMusic? Are you even hyper?"

HyperMusic12: No… I'm more like a sloth, but it was a song I really liked when I created the account, so eh…

"That's just stupid and aren't you one of the perverts that writes fanfiction?! I'm sure you're no better than the rest of them!"

HyperMusic12: Mmm… I'm just as bad, but to be honest, hearing you guys complain will probably help me with future ideas for my perverted writing. Please, help me out! _Onegai shimasu!_

"Ugh… Wtf. Fine…"

"I actually don't have much to complain about," Sai said. "I mean, I'm not even that popular among the writers. I'm usually just a side character. The third wheel for Naruto and Sakura."

"Oi! I never asked to be paired with her! Why does my character have to be in love with Sakura?! She's super strong and great at healing, but she's obsessed with Sasuke and she beats me up for no reason! Why can't I just be with Hinata already?"

Hinata looked a little flustered, but she nodded. "That would be nice… Then maybe I would get the chance to actually finish some of my lines. I get cut off all the time..."

HyperMusic12: People pair you guys together all the time. I'm sure there are more NaruHina fans out there than NaruSakura. I'm one of them! Plus, Sakura isn't too bad…

"Che. Like it even matters!" Naruto cried. "I'm paired with a ton of different people! And why do yaoi fans keep making me an uke?! I can deal with you pairing me with Sasuke all the time, but come on! I want to be seme!"

"You have a point…" Kakashi said thoughtfully, _finally_ closing his smut book. "Though I have the opposite problem. Everyone always makes me seme. Why can't I be uke sometimes too? Icha Icha makes it look really fun! And I don't want to be with Sakura either!""

"I could be your seme, Senpai," Yamato offered.

"Me too," Iruka said.

Kakashi's cheeks flushed. "Really…?" He asked, looking hopeful.

"We both can," Iruka said. "I don't mind sharing."

"Sharing is caring, ne?" Yamato grinned.

Kakashi blushed even more and fidgeted. "Share… me…?" He suddenly clamped a hand over his nose.

"Ah, Senpai! Is your nose bleeding?"

Iruka chuckled. "Pervert," he said, handing him a tissue.

Kakashi wiped his nose clean, looking sheepish.

"Are you up for it now?" Iruka asked Yamato.

"Yeah, sure," he said. "Come on, Senpai."

They each took a hold of an arm and started leading him away.

"By the way, Yamato… What's your real name?"

"Eh…? I…"

HyperMusic12: Good question!

Yamato hesitated. _It's been so long since I've used it that I forgot_! He cleared his throat. "Um… I'll tell you guys if Kakashi takes off his mask and Iruka tells us where he got his cute scar from."

"Cute…? Is it really?" Iruka asked, rubbing his finger at the line across his nose.

"Really cute," Yamato assured him.

"Is my scar cute too?" Kakashi asked, looking pouty.

"Of course!"

"The cutest, Senpai."

Kakashi beamed at them (not that they could really tell).

"Now come on," Iruka said. "I want to tie him up."

"I'm totally fine with that," Yamato said eagerly. "We should get a blindfold and whipped cream too!"

"Ah, Senpai!"

"Kakashi, if your nose keeps bleeding, you won't last the whole night."

"I'm fine! I'm fine!" He said thickly. "Let's just hurry."

"What about me?!" Gai called after them as he and Lee showed up.

"Uh… You still have me, Sensei," Lee reminded him.

Gai sighed. "But we look just alike..."

"Is no one going to question why the author just made that happen?" Naruto deadpanned.

HyperMusic12: Oops… I just love uke Kakashi…

"Hold on! Are we here to talk about our grievances?" Kiba asked as he and Shino walked in.

"Something like that," Naruto grumbled.

HyperMusic12: Welcome!

"Well, I have a few things to complain about!" Kiba growled.

"As do I," Shino said quietly. "Because I keep getting paired with Kiba."

"Hey! I'm not that bad! Anyway, why am I the slutty/kinky uke all the time?!"

"Pfft-"

"Shut up, Naruto!"

HyperMusic12: Hmm… I wouldn't really say _all_ the time…

"You're the worst one, perverted writer!" Kiba cried. "You made Shino spank me!"

"I actually didn't mind that so much," Shino said. "You deserved to be punished."

"What the fu-"

"I got the notice you sent out," Shikamaru said. "It's too troublesome to list all the things that people have made me do… I don't mind being paired with Temari though…"

"Oh, really?" Temari called, as she and her brothers came in after him.

"Crap."

"Hehehe."

"Don't laugh!"

"I'm tired of being paired with my siblings," Gaara said dully.

"Me too!" Kankuro and Temari cried. "And Kiba and I don't look _that_ much alike!" Kankuro added.

"Oh, you've _got_ to be kidding me," Itachi groaned as he and Kisame came in. "Do you have any idea how many times I've been paired with my brother?!"

HyperMusic12: HAHAHAHAHA

"Shut up!"

"I'd like to stop being paired with Itachi," Kisame said. "He's such a demanding uke."

"Wha- That's not my fault!" Itachi growled, his face turning as red as his eyes. "At least you get to be seme all the time!"

"That is true…"

"I'd like to be seme more!" Lee called.

"You're usually my seme…" Gaara grumbled.

"There's no way in hell you're topping me!" Neji snapped.

"I do sometimes!"

"_Eight Trigrams Vacuum Palm!" _

"AHHHHH!"

HyperMusic12: Neji… Please don't blast away teammates. I really like Lee!

"Hmph."

HyperMusic12: So, anyone else?

"Me, un!" Deidara snarled, dragging Sasori behind him. "I can't have sex with a puppet! That doesn't make sense!"

"It really doesn't…" Sasori said, looking quite bored with the whole thing.

"You shouldn't have made yourself a puppet then," Kankuro said. "Though it's been fun for me…"

"Oh, and why am I paired with freakin' Tobi?!" Deidara shouted. "He's an idiot! I don't even know what's under that mask!"

"Something amazing, Senpai~"

"Tobi?! When did you get here?!"

"I've been following you around all day! How can you not notice me?" Tobi wailed.

"You're paired with me a lot too," Itachi chimed in. "Slut."

"I hate you, Itachi!" Deidara screamed and Tobi had to hold him back.

"Everyone in the Akatsuki has slept with you, Deidara," Kisame reminded him.

Deidara slumps in despair. "Is it just because I have long beautiful hair?"

*Vrrrrrrr

"Is that someone's phone?"

HyperMusic12: That's mine! Moshi moshi? Pfft. Oh, hey, Sasuke… Yes… okay! It's for you, Naruto.

"Eh? Hello?"

….

"Shut up, Sasuke!" Naruto cried and hung up.

"What did he say?"

"Che. Said he would always be seme," he growled. "Bastard."

*Queue laughter*

"Shadup! Anyway," Naruto snapped. "I would also like to point out that I don't want to be paired with my mom either! That's just wrong!"

"Your mom?" Itachi deadpanned. "I thought I had it bad…"

"I know, right?!"

"Naruto… Your mom is beautiful, but you can't have her."

"Dad?!"

"That's me."

"How are you even here?"

Minato shrugged. "The author works in mysterious ways. Anyway, as adorable as Kakashi was as a kid, I'd like to stop being paired with him! Sensei's shouldn't do dirty stuff to their students!"

"People are pairing you with Kaka-Sensei?!" Naruto yelled and burst out laughing.

Minato frowned at his son.

HyperMusic12: So… Anyone else?

*Large group of Naruto characters floods into the room screaming and yelling*

HyperMusic12: Help!

* * *

I don't know where this came from (hangs head in shame). I'm sure I'll add more to it later though…

Also, totally not bashing anyone's stuff here. Fanfiction is all about creativity and doing whatever you want. Though I prefer for everyone to be at least _mostly_ in character, I know that writers should also be able to have fun with their work. If you want your character to be OOC, then go for it! The only thing I can't stand is anything poorly written. You know, the non-legible, wtf did I just try to read stuff. I just skip it. Easy. Don't like, don't read.

Also, also, I'll be the first to admit that my stuff isn't perfect. It's just a bunch of smut, really, but I have fun with it. That's all that really matters to me.

Also, also, also… I didn't know what to rate this. I put it in M just in case...


	2. Chapter 2

Oh, man...

* * *

HyperMusic12: Shall we continue?

"Please, no," Naruto grumbled.

"I actually have a complaint," Temari said.

HyperMusic12: Yeah?

"Besides being paired with family members, I don't care so much who people put me with, but why am I always such a bitch in everyone's stories?! And Naruto! Stop cowering in fear, damn it!"

"Hai!" He squeaked.

HyperMusic12: Hmm… People do like to make you out to be a bitch. I mean, you're just a bit harsh and blunt, that's all. I think you're cool as hell.

"I guess I can be a bit harsh…" Temari admitted.

"And bossy," Kankuro said.

"Fuck off! I am who I am," Temari sniffed. "I'm not going to change for anyone."

"I… I think you're fine the way you are…" Shikamaru said quietly. _Shit! I stuttered!_

"Stay away from my sister, brat," Kankuro growled.

Gaara glared in agreement.

"Troublesome…"

"Shut up, guys!" Temari snapped at her brothers. "He can… do what he wants…"

Shikamaru smirked.

...

"Sasukeeeee! Where are you?!" Karin called. "Sasukeeee?!" (Queue ridiculous hearts here)

"_Who is that?_" Naruto asked, looking freaked out.

HyperMusic12: She's in your clan…

"Ehhh?!"

"Where is Sasuke?! I thought he would be here!"

HyperMusic12: He's not here. Can't you tell?

Karin breaks down in tears.

"Why are there so many freakin' Sasuke fan girls?!" Naruto cried. "He's a total jerk to all of them!"

HyperMusic12: I don't get it either. Why would they all chase after someone that clearly has no interest in them? He may be "good looking" and talented, but he's such a douche.

"Watch what you say about my little brother," Itachi warned.

HyperMusic12: Eep!

"Sasukeeeee!"

HyperMusic12: OMFG, Karin. Stop crying! You could actually be a cool character if you weren't so obsessed with Sasuke!

"But I love him! He'll love me back! I just need to get baka Suigetsu out of the picture."

HyperMusic12: I'm pretty sure Suigetsu has a thing for you Karin. Why don't you go for him instead?

"WHAT?! Gross!"

"I'm pretty sure he does too," Jugo agreed.

"Y-You're lying!" Karin gasped.

HyperMusic12: He's always picking on you and teasing you. Come on, it's like a little kid's crush.

"What are you guys talking about?" Suigetsu asked, coming in, oblivious.

"Ugh! Get away, Suigetsu!" Karin shrieked.

"OW! You little bitch, don't scream in my ear!" Suigetsu snapped. "What the hell…"

HyperMusic12: Um… Let's move on. Who's up next?

"I actually have something to say," Hinata peeped.

HyperMusic12: Go for it!

"I, um…. I would actually like to stop being paired with Neji-Nii-san…"

Neji sputtered in shock. "Who the hell is pairing us together?!"

Hinata hid her teary eyes behind her hands. "A lot of people… They think you're in love with me."

Neji's face turned bright red. "I am not! I would never… I have the utmost respect for Hinata-Sama!"

HyperMusic12: Whatever you say, man…

"I'm going to kill all of them!"

Naruto gulped. "He hasn't seen the giant NaruHina section has he…?

HyperMusic12: Doubt it. He'd probably blast you away like he did to Lee.

"I'm okay!" Lee called.

...

"Oh, wtf!" Kiba suddenly snarled, holding up a laptop. "For fuck's sake, who the hell is pairing me with Akamaru?!"

Akamaru whined.

"Ew. The hell, Kiba?" Naruto cried. "Your dog, seriously?"

"Bestiality," Shino said thoughtfully. "I have to say, I've had my suspicions, because… Kiba is unnaturally close to Akamaru."

"I've never done anything with my dog!" Kiba shouted. "What is wrong with you people?! And unnatural?! He's my ninken, of course we're close!"

Akamaru barked.

"Hey, hey, hey!" Kotetsu called, as he and Izumo came in. "Everyone keeps pairing me with Izumo! We're best friends, that's all!"

Izumo huffed in agreement, arms crossed over his chest.

HyperMusic12: Um, sure… _Best friends_… of course.

"You don't believe us!" Kotetsu yelled.

"We're not lovers!" Izumo cried.

"You two _are_ "unnaturally" close," Kiba snickered.

"Fuck off!"

"Are you serious?!"

HyperMusic12: Guys… It's totally fine. You're not together. Just friends. _Just friends_. *wink wink*

"Omg, she doesn't believe us at all!" Kotetsu wailed.

"She doesn't!"

"Just admit it, already," Genma grumbled as he walked in with Aoba. "You're secret lovers. No one minds, so stop hiding it."

"We really don't," Naruto assured them. "It's okay! Just come out!"

"Ugh! We're not dating, damn it!" Izumo said in frustration.

"You're really cute together," Hinata said quietly.

"Oh, not you too!" Kotetsu whined. "Forget this! Why do we even bother?! No one ever believes us! I'm going to eat some fucking syrup. Let's go, Izumo."

Izumo's shoulders slumped. "I know a lost cause when I see one…"

HyperMusic12: Eating pure syrup can't be good for you.… Um, anyway- Genma! Did you have something to say?

"Huh? Oh, yeah!" He said, growing annoyed. "Why does everyone make me out to be such a pervert all the time?!"

HyperMusic12: I have no idea. It's fun though.

"Not for me!"

"At least you make it into a lot of fanfiction," Aoba said, sulkily. "There's like _nothing_ about me."

"That's true!" Naruto said. "Sorry, Aoba-Occhan."

"Maybe you should take off your sunglasses," Genma suggested. "Rumor has it that your eyes are quite pretty."

Aoba sputtered. "They aren't pretty!"

"Then take off the glasses," Genma smirked. "What are you hiding?"

"I'm not hiding anything! Stay away from me!" He shouted, running from Genma.

HyperMusic12: Ahhh…. Poor Aoba, the ficless-wonder…

"He's not the only one!" C cried haughtily, as he marched in with Darui trailing behind him. "No one ever pays attention to me! I'm like the best looking character! Kishimoto-Sama created me with a male idol in mind!"

HyperMusic12: You're hardly even in the series… But you're right. There's like nothing about you or Darui.

Darui shrugged. "Sorry… I don't really care, to be honest," he said dully.

HyperMusic12: But you're awesome! You totally kick ass!

"You can write something about me then," he said. "I don't mind."

HyperMusic12: All right!

*Vrrrrrrrr

"There's your phone again," Naruto said.

HyperMusic12: Ah… It's Sasuke again. Troublesome…

"That's my line," Shikamaru said with a yawn.

HyperMusic12: Shh! Hiya, Sasuke…. Hah…. Okay, I'll tell him. -Naruto! Sasuke said not to hang up on him or he's going to kill you!

"Bring it on, bastard!" Naruto shouted.

HyperMusic12: Naruto isn't afraid of you Sasuke. In fact, he's totally cooler than you…. No, I'm serious! … You're such a snob all the time… I know a lot of shit has happened to you, but Naruto just wants to help you, so quit being a dick! *click*

"You hung up on him! Awesome!" Naruto cried happily.

"I told you to watch what you said about my little brother," Itachi said darkly.

HyperMusic12: Sorry, Itachi. You're the best! Why can't Sasuke be more like you?

"Che. Sasuke is an asshole," Kiba growled.

"Here we go," Kisame sighed as Itachi's eyes turned red.

"Take that back," Itachi said quietly.

"No way!"

"Kisame," Itachi snapped. "Let's go."

"Yes, Itachi-san…"

HyperMusic12: Pfft- You are so whipped, Kisame.

Kisame pulled out Samehada. "I'm going to kill you."

HyperMusic12: AHHHHHHH! I TAKE IT BACK! I TAKE IT BACK!

...

"Wait…" Naruto said, an idea occurring to him. "Shouldn't we be using her phone to help us find Sasuke?!"

* * *

Oh, geez. What is wrong with me? Why do I write this stuff? I need to go to some kind of fanfiction anonymous group or something.


End file.
